Sunday, 23 January 2011

Carbon Emissions Testing for Exercise Bikes

Have a little confession to make, peeps - I carried out a scientific experiment to determine a correlation between farting, earphones and exercise bikes, and let me tell you, there most definitely is one.  Earphones and exercise bikes combine quite nicely to produce farts without the guilt, shame or embarrassment.  Well, it did in my case, anyway.

One day last week, I was working out and sweating profusely on the exercise bike.  I should really point out to you all that when I first start out on the exercise bike, I have to go a bit slowly, because my stomach gets very bloated and it's quite difficult to get everything moving, and it's not just my legs and my motivation I'm talking about here.

For the first few kilometres, I keep it to effort level one, so I can warm up and ease myself into it gradually, as I believe you're supposed to.  Anyway, this particular day, my stomach was extra specially bloated, so I could feel everything moving about and grinding and clunking about in my rather tiny (in my mind at least) stomach.  As you know, the exercise bike is all about working your stomach muscles as well as your legs, and I could feel the trapped wind starting to move about, which made me feel quite pleased.  After all, a marathon starts with the first step .....

I was aware of two gentlemen behind me on the bikes, who seemed to be quite chatty, so clearly they knew each other quite well, and I could tell they were keeping an eye on me whilst they were exercising, as you can't avoid looking to the front of this particular gym, because of the layout.  Anyway, I put my headphones on, and was merrily bopping away to Fleetwood Mac, when all of a sudden, my wind moved faster than even I was expecting, and came out with a bit of a whoosh - made the seat go warm, if you know what I mean.  Now then, I know I made a bit of a raspy noise, but with it being an electric bike and it being noisy in the gym anyway, what with the crappy music and all, I couldn't really hear it over my headphones as well, so I thought, oh well, must have got away with that one.  I'll be ok so long as I don't do it again.  Just carried on with my session and tried to put it behind me - literally.  Well, all of a sudden, I became conscious of this ..... smell.  A bit like a cat had crept on to the seat behind me, crapped, and crept away again.  (I must assure you at this juncture, I had not deposited solids).  My partner taught me a lovely phrase a few weeks ago - another term for a fart, apparently, is 'ghost sh*t', which is apt in this instance, for that's what I'd done, I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say.  Being the game old bird that I am, I carried on biking, and noticed out of the corner of my eye, that the gentlemen who were previously working away behind me, had suddenly and unexpectedly left their posts.  I like to think it was because they had achieved their targets for the day, but frankly, I'm not so sure.

The moral of this story is that if you can't hear it, it's ok.  If you can hear it and know where it came from, good for you - you can't prove it was me.  If you were the one that did it, heard it and knew exactly where it came from, look innocent, keep your head held high and don't let the buggers wear you down.  Good luck, goodnight and good wishes.

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