Monday, 9 May 2011

Broke a machine, then tried the others

Two weeks ago, I managed to break the exercise bike.  But, to be fair, I've noticed springs and bits of machines spread across the floor for weeks (wasn't me), so I don't feel particularly guilty.

This particular instance, I was on my favourite exercise bike, and was pedalling away quite happily, listening to my MP3 player and watching "Shaun the Sheep" on the TV.  God, I love that programme.  All of a sudden, the machine went 'bang' and then the lights went out on it, and I had to stop because I'd lost my power (my oomph, you know?)  Or perhaps it's 'get up and go' had 'got up and gone' (know that feeling very well).  It turned out that the heart monitor/cardiovascular device wire had got caught round the pedals and I'd carried on cycling when clearly I shouldn't have.  Bugger.  Mind you, it's been fixed again now, and I can't see any loose springs rolling about on the floor anymore, so maybe that work experience guy got more experience than he bargained for after all.

Well anyway, after my cycling got cut short, I decided to go on the other type of leg bike - it doesn't have a backrest, which I thought I'd be ok with, but I couldn't even get on the bike - far too high for my dwarfish frame.  So I had to give it a miss.  B******s, being discriminated against by a bike, now.  What's the world coming to?

After I gave up with that particular fight, I went to the back of the gym to see if the cross-trainers on the back row had been switched on today (they hadn't).  Swore loudly, then went on the treadmill for 20 minutes, then went on the rowing machine.  Jesus, that is such hard work - I try to pace myself, but I'm still knackered after 90 seconds.  It's uncomfortable to get your feet into, much less row the f*****g thing as well.  It's like that joke about the woman who's trying to conceive and goes to the doctor about her concerns.  The doctor runs through the checklist and asks the woman if she's looking after herself, taking rest, eating good food, etc, then finally, exasperated with not being able to pinpoint the problem, asks her if she's having sex.  "Give me a break,"she says,"I can't be expected to remember everything!"  Well, that's how I feel about the rowing machine.  The footholders are too high for me - I can't reach the rowing bar, because my fat just won't let me, then I get out of breath too quickly, there's no backrest (an absolute must-have) and I feel f*****g uncomfortable all the time I'm doing it (rowing).  It's a real s**t form of exercise, and next time I think I'll give it a miss and go back on the exercise bike and hope I don't get the lead caught up in the pedal again.

Turn all the machines on, yeah?

Got a bit adventurous last week, peeps - I decided to go on the cross-trainer and start to try to get rid of my belly overhang.  It looks horrible.  My feet are tired of living in the dark, so it's time I brought them back into the light and let them grow naturally.  Or so I hoped ....

The cross-trainers at the back of the gym have arm bits that move, whereas the cross-trainers in the middle of the floor only have the feet bits that move.  Henceforth, I decided, in my infinite wisdom, that the ones at the back were for me.  Except none of them were turned on.  I've noticed this for the last 3 weeks or so, all of a sudden, the gym has gone on cost-cutting measures, which include the machines on the back row.  If I could pin down a member of staff, I'd ask them why this phenomenon is occurring, except they all avoid me like the plague.  Perhaps it could be because I've complained about the service I get, )or maybe they read this blog - oh sh*t).

Anyway, after much swearing, I went on the ones where the arms don't move, and got a bit of a shock at how hard it is.  I started off quite well, then got really knackered and had to put the machine back down to effort level one, and still felt like death when I got off it.  I lasted 15 minutes, but it was a close-run thing.  Tired out bird - fell into a coma when I got home, and I think I'm only just coming out of it now.  Never mind, there's always tomorrow ......!!!!!!

I used to be keen, until the world crushed my spirit (Homer J Simpson)

This was a good few weeks ago, I'm afraid.  On one of my visits to the gym, I was greeted by a work experience chap - very very sweet, enthusiastic and eager to please.  Knew straight away he was new - cynical sod that I am.  You just know with some people though, don't you?  I do, anyway.

He was very polite, very efficient and was zooming around the gym like an excited puppy.  All in all, he was there for about 2 or 3 weeks, and in all that time, the staff gave him all the sh*tty jobs to do, like cleaning the tables in the cafe, sweeping the floors and having to wipe down all the machines.  What complete b******s, like I ever see them doing that.  What on earth is that teaching someone about how the place runs and what it takes to manage the staff, etc.  He was genuinely interested in the company, and that's the best experience they could give him?  What crap.

I wonder if he'll come back and get a full time job there - chances of that are slim, I think.

Oops - has it really been that long? Sorry xxx

Sorry I've not blogged for a while - lots of challenges.  Been poorly, then a bit more poorly, then slightly less poorly, then absolutely knackered.  Still, I've managed to get to the gym, but just not as often as I would like.  Mind you, last week when I went, I got a lovely eyeful of one bloke doing something he probably wishes no one else had seen.  Let me explain ....

I was on the treadmill, and happened to glance over at the meathead's corner (or the part where all the muscly male bodybuilders all congregate to flex their muscles and pull on bits of wire with really heavy weights attached - very odd).  There's a mirror that goes the whole length of the wall, presumably so they can admire themselves in their various bodybuilding poses and think to themselves what very fine, sexy young men they are, with wonderful physiques.  Pity there's not one nearer me, but anyway, I digress.

I was trying to speed up a bit on the treadmill before the old leg burn kicked in, and something caught my eye, so I turned to look towards steroid corner, and I was just in time to see a gentleman pull on this bit of wire with his left arm, whilst simultaneously scratching his butt with his right arm.  Completely nonchalant, and blissfully unaware that everyone on the treadmills, bicycles and cross-trainers had a wonderful view.  Marvellous.  I wouldn't mind, but it was obviously a bit of a stubborn wedgie, so he had to go back for a further rummage about, which thrilled his audience.  Nice move, mate, but I don't think the ladies will go for it in a big way - nobody likes a man with crabs (or worse) - not a good mating signal, is it?  Mind you, he had excellent co-ordination.  If I'd have done that, I'd have had to stop the machine first, 'cos there's no way I could have kept my balance!!!!!  Made a right pratt of myself, no doubt.  Full marks for style, anyway, if not creative content.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Come to this gym, exercise, and they help you find a job as well!!!!

Whilst on one of my numerous workouts, my gaze fell on the noticeboard.  There was a poster up, advertising a class, with the date/time printed on it.  Underneath the headline, there was a caption saying "It's good for your CV".  Brilliant, I thought - if I go to this one, they'll help me put my curriculum vitae together and then I'll be far more employable.  This is amazing - exercising and improving my job prospects in one.

I was absolutely delighted with this, and rushed off after my session to tell my lovely young man of my exciting discovery.  He looked at me sympathetically, (but I think there was pity there too), and told me that CV, this instance, means cardiovascular.  What a t*thead I am.  There is a moral to this - if you think something's too good to be true, then it probably is.

Thought it was only girls that did that

On a recent visit to the gym, I noticed that there was a lot of newcomers - must be that time of year.  Whilst I was biking in energetic fashion, I was aware of a lot of girly chatter behind me.  Lo and behold, upon closer inspection, a matching pair of twins were on adjacent treadmills.  Both decked out in exactly the same fitness gear, both roughly the same size (extra large), with both exactly the same annoying, loud, whiny voice.  Bizarre, though not totally unexpected.

I blocked out this incessant background noise and carried on with my workout.  I finished on the exercise bike and was swopping over to the arm bike, when I became aware that there were two young men who had taken the earlier 'twins' spot on the treadmills, both going for it, vocally.  F**k me, I thought, those women sure did lose weight fast - maybe I'm on the wrong programme.  Oh no, it became clear that a new gruesome twosome had taken their place and were carrying on the fine tradition of sticking to each other like superglue, talking complete bollocks at the tops of their voices and glancing round nervously, but excitedly, hoovering the place for any attention they could find.  Marvellous, like I said - thought it was only women that did that sort of thing - how wrong am I?

Odd Woman Alert

There's a woman that comes in to the gym sometimes when I'm in.  She's a little lady, I think about 60 or so.  She has some odd habits that I find quite fascinating.  She comes into the gym area with massive headphones on, and a plastic carrier bag from a well-known local wine shop, with things in it (not necessarily wine though, you understand?)  She starts off on the mats in the far corner, then goes on the treadmill, then hops onto the exercise bike, whips a book out of her wine bag, cranks her headphones up to maximum (believe me, I've heard the 'music' she plays), gets comfortable on the bike, and starts reading and listening to her headphones whilst she's exercising.  She also puts the bag on the bike, so no one nicks it.

Lovely lady, don't get me wrong, just slightly eccentric.  She sits like that for about 25 minutes or so, and you can tell she's really enjoying the book, and is completely immersed in the story.  It just looks so odd, like a wino's crept in the place and is looking for a comfy place to sit for a few hours.  Everyone else is pumping iron and is totally focused on their workouts, but this lady seems far more interested in the latest Catherine Cookson.  Like I say, really odd.