Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Come to this gym, exercise, and they help you find a job as well!!!!

Whilst on one of my numerous workouts, my gaze fell on the noticeboard.  There was a poster up, advertising a class, with the date/time printed on it.  Underneath the headline, there was a caption saying "It's good for your CV".  Brilliant, I thought - if I go to this one, they'll help me put my curriculum vitae together and then I'll be far more employable.  This is amazing - exercising and improving my job prospects in one.

I was absolutely delighted with this, and rushed off after my session to tell my lovely young man of my exciting discovery.  He looked at me sympathetically, (but I think there was pity there too), and told me that CV, this instance, means cardiovascular.  What a t*thead I am.  There is a moral to this - if you think something's too good to be true, then it probably is.

Thought it was only girls that did that

On a recent visit to the gym, I noticed that there was a lot of newcomers - must be that time of year.  Whilst I was biking in energetic fashion, I was aware of a lot of girly chatter behind me.  Lo and behold, upon closer inspection, a matching pair of twins were on adjacent treadmills.  Both decked out in exactly the same fitness gear, both roughly the same size (extra large), with both exactly the same annoying, loud, whiny voice.  Bizarre, though not totally unexpected.

I blocked out this incessant background noise and carried on with my workout.  I finished on the exercise bike and was swopping over to the arm bike, when I became aware that there were two young men who had taken the earlier 'twins' spot on the treadmills, both going for it, vocally.  F**k me, I thought, those women sure did lose weight fast - maybe I'm on the wrong programme.  Oh no, it became clear that a new gruesome twosome had taken their place and were carrying on the fine tradition of sticking to each other like superglue, talking complete bollocks at the tops of their voices and glancing round nervously, but excitedly, hoovering the place for any attention they could find.  Marvellous, like I said - thought it was only women that did that sort of thing - how wrong am I?

Odd Woman Alert

There's a woman that comes in to the gym sometimes when I'm in.  She's a little lady, I think about 60 or so.  She has some odd habits that I find quite fascinating.  She comes into the gym area with massive headphones on, and a plastic carrier bag from a well-known local wine shop, with things in it (not necessarily wine though, you understand?)  She starts off on the mats in the far corner, then goes on the treadmill, then hops onto the exercise bike, whips a book out of her wine bag, cranks her headphones up to maximum (believe me, I've heard the 'music' she plays), gets comfortable on the bike, and starts reading and listening to her headphones whilst she's exercising.  She also puts the bag on the bike, so no one nicks it.

Lovely lady, don't get me wrong, just slightly eccentric.  She sits like that for about 25 minutes or so, and you can tell she's really enjoying the book, and is completely immersed in the story.  It just looks so odd, like a wino's crept in the place and is looking for a comfy place to sit for a few hours.  Everyone else is pumping iron and is totally focused on their workouts, but this lady seems far more interested in the latest Catherine Cookson.  Like I say, really odd.

An different way to use an arm bike

One day last week, when I was at the gym, a chap got on the arm bike next to me.  Quite a regular occurrence, I know, but there was something odd about this one (as I said, quite a regular occurrence).  I was merrily tootling along with my regime, and he decided to crank his machine up to effort level 10 (an overhwelming milestone, in my book) and really go for it - for about 3 minutes.  He then stopped for a rest break and clutched his left shoulder, like he'd pulled a muscle.  Poor sod, I thought - that must have really hurt.  I thought he'd quit and scamper off in agony, screaming for an ice bag (I would have, y'see) to put on his shoulder, but bless him, he bravely carried on, just using his right arm.

Now then, I'm no expert, but how do you work an arm bike with just one arm?  What muscle are you going to build up if the machine is only being worked on one side of it?  I've tried it that way and it doesn't seem particularly effective.  Not that I was trying to be clever, you understand - I was probably too tired to carry on with the workout, but wasn't quite ready to admit defeat.  Anyway, this chap carried on like that for another 5 minutes, then looked at me as if to say, 'man, this is tiring work', then got off the bike, didn't bother cleaning it, and went on the rowing machine.  Odd, really.

Check Facebook - pervert alert

Went to the gym over the weekend, and felt quite sorry for a lady in the changing rooms.  She was in the area that backs onto the fire exit door, and whilst she was getting changed (and therefore, completely starkers), someone opened the door from the outside and spied on her.  Understandably she was very upset about it (really don't blame her - that's completely out of order) and called the Manager in, who was alerted by the alarms going off anyway.

When the lady explained what had happened, the female Manager just said, "oh well, check Facebook tonight and see if you're on it", which I thought was really f*****g charming, considering the state the woman was in, and obviously embarrassed, upset and angry (quite rightly so, in my book.  I would have called the police).  There's a car washing business outside the gym in the car park, and my money is on one of them trying to be funny (and failing dismally).  The member of staff was perhaps trying to cheer the woman up, but it didn't look like it was working.

I went back to the gym the next day to exercise again, and when I wandered in the changing rooms, I got met with a full frontal naked lady (didn't really want to), who was in roughly the same spot as the lady had been the day before.  I was just about to warn her about what had happened the day before, but she gave me the most awful sneery look (I am still perhaps, slightly, overweight, you see) and glared at me, so in the end, I didn't bother to warn her.  Petty, I know, but there's no need for me to be treated like that.  At least I'm trying to get back into shape.  More than lots of other people do.

Bit surprised that no signs have been put up to warn people about what happened, and quite surprised to see the same member of staff there, acting in the same manner.  People in the changing rooms have no idea what's gone on, and they should be warned.  Perverts should have their willies chopped off and their hands as well.  G******s, all of them (perverts, that is - not people in general).

That looks heavy!

Whilst at the gym today, I was aware there was a hell of a lot of banging going on behind me.  Are there workmen in today, wondered I.  No, it turns out there's an exercise class going on in the corner, and it involves sea mines.  Allow me to explain further ....

Someone announced over the tannoy that a Core Exercise class was shortly about to start.  Obviously I avoid these things like the plague, being fit enough already.  I only go here to top up my physique, as I'm sure you are all aware by now.  Anyway, I digress....

I saw the mats being pushed together and strange voices instructing the class what to do.  Then all of a sudden, I saw one of the instructors pick up a large metal-looking ball, attached to a chain, with a metal handpull on it.  He then laid down on his back and started swinging it from side to side, across his body, for a good few minutes.  Made one hell of a bang every time it hit the floor, believe me.  F**k that, I thought - looks well bloody painful.  What the hell do you want to put yourself through all that for?  I wondered, happily content on my little bike.  Why don't you just settle down with a nice cup of tea and block of chocolate, like what I do?  Perhaps I'm missing the point.  Anyway, it definitely did look like a sea mine from where I was sitting (feverishly exercising too, I may add).  People are weird.

Found some funny lumps in my legs - bit scared - could they be ...... muscles?

Little bit excited today, peeps.  I felt very energetic this afternoon, and so decided, in my wisdom, to trot off to the gym and cash in on my new lease of life.  I have to, because I never know how long it's going to last these days, y'see!!!  Anyway, off I went with purpose.

Got to the gym, pole vaulted over the entrance barriers (in my imagination), sprinted (?) down to the changing rooms and got ready to exercise.  Came out into the gym area and went to the arm bike, of which I have lately become fond/obsessive.  Started my rather impressive exercise regime, and was absurdly pleased with myself for being able to do 3km without having to stop for a rest.  Believe me, it's progress.  Had a quick swig of water and did another 3km (OMG - am SO on a roll today), and had a little rest break again, thinking that there's nothing to this fitness lark after all.

I next accomplished two lots of 2km arm rotations, then decided to 'hop' off that machine and onto the exercise bicycle for a 10km ride.  Bugger me, I thought, I could take on a whole rugby team today and not feel the effects!!!!  What ho!  Started on the bicycle and surpassed my expectations for the first 2km, then decided to increase the effort level to 3 - bad move.  Only lasted for a minute before I had to accept defeat and reduce it to 2 again - soddit.  Determined, however, to remain philosophical about my shortcomings, I took my mind off things by watching one of the TV screens.  Oh joy - Shaun the Sheep was on (really like that).  This is a children's programme made by the creators of Wallace & Gromit, and I really admire the way it's all put together.  The characterisation is superb, and the storylines are really beautiful to watch.

At one point, I burst out laughing at what was going on on the screen, totally forgetting that I was in a public place.  All of a sudden, I noticed that it had gone really quiet behind me, so I took a sneaky peek to see what was happening - four men were looking at me oddly, so I guess my laughter must have been louder than I was intending.  Never mind, thought I - I'll explain myself.  I just pointed at the screen and said "Shaun the Sheep's on - it's very good, you know!"  and left it at that.  They still looked at me like I was a member of Care in the Community, which, oddly enough, I'm absolutely ok with.  Anyway, I finished my exercise session with no more incidents, and got changed, and came home.

In the car on the way home, I suddenly looked down at my legs and thought that they had changed a little.  I had a quick feel (wasn't sure if I'd accidentally got my knickers halfway down my trousers, as I do sometimes do that, you know) and was surprised to find a bit of a lump there.  Immediately the hypochondriac in me demanded to know what was wrong with me this time, and I checked the other leg, to make sure I hadn't got twin problems - I had!!  There was another lump in that one, too.  God, this is serious, I thought.  I asked my lovely young man to have a feel and tell me what he thought the problem was.  After concluding his investigation (took longer than I would expect if I'd gone to the doctors), he told me there was a very good chance that I was getting fitter and developing muscle.  Jesus - I've never had any of those and I'm 41 (nearly).  Bloody hell, what are the chances of that happening??!!