Thursday, 17 February 2011

Welcome to Swamplands

Went to the gym at the beginning of the week.  Wasn't going to to go at first, because I didn't want to run the changing rooms gauntlet - wasn't in the mood to be (a) flashed at (b) pushed off the bench (c) glared at/shoulder charged and (d) feel the urge to stick my foot out and trip up some badly behaved child (accidentally, of course).

My partner talked me into going, so I did (subservient soul that I am).  Got into the changing rooms and was pleasantly surprised to find them almost deserted.  With this in mind, I developed a new lease of life, whipped my shoes off, put my trainers on, and scampered excitedly into the gym to start my regime.

Got on the exercise bike and worked on my 10 km journey.  At the side of me is the arm bike, which was occupied by a well-developed, but sadly, ugly meathead.  He was busy comparing his performance to mine (which I wasn't bothered by - it's a side effect of gyms, I think), and was sneering at me regularly to reinforce the fact that he was fit and I, erm .... wasn't.  I prefer to do it the slow way, minus steroids, but hey, that's just me.

He ended his marathon stint on the arm bike, swaggered off it, sweating like a pig (or indeed, one of the locals), and disappeared in the direction of the hygiene wipes.  Yippee, I thought, maybe this one has a social conscience and will undoubtedly come back with some wipes and sort his man puddles out.  Not so, I'm afraid - he wandered past the hygiene wipes and went for a drink at the tap instead.  Not even to fill a bottle, but to actually put his mouth over the tap, practically sucked it, like a baby goat, then came back, walked straight past the arm bike, wandered all the way down, and got on the rowing machine.  F*****g marvellous, I thought.  Note to self, make sure I wipe the machine down before I use it.  You could even see sweat marks and fibre marks from his vest which were showing up on the seat.  How the f**k can you just leave the equipment in that mess?  It's f*****g disgusting and there's absolutely no reason why.  Do they honestly not realise that that's how bacterial infections spread?

I wipe the machine down before I use it and after I've used it now - I've seen too many bad habits from people not to.  It's truly awful what they consider to be polite practice.  I wouldn't mind, but there's signs up everywhere, asking you to wipe the machines down after use, and there's even stickers on the machines, lest you forget.  But this a******e obviously can't read either.

Did my bike run, got off, wiped it, then wiped the arm bike, and amazed myself with my strength, stamina and willpower.  All in all, I did 10 km on that one too.  Take that, bingo wings, I thought.  Soon you will be ... no more.  Hopefully.  Wiped that one down afterwards too, then trotted off to the changing rooms, feeling invigorated and hopefully, slimmer.

Opened the door to the changing rooms and bang, down went my mood.  Got faced with puddles everywhere, horrific sweaty smells, and the family from chavsville staring at me with open hatred, sitting on the bench that I use.  Oh b******s, here we go.  I counted the number of puddles - 5 in total.  And absolutely no effort being made to mop any of them up - amazing parenting, guys - well done.

I decided to just grab my rucksack, put my towel in it and get the hell out.  I seriously didn't like the look of this lot - two youngish boys and 3 girls, together with a not so yummy mummy - all glaring at me, hostile, aggressive, moody and .... not to be messed with.  So I didn't.  Instead, I put my rucksack on the bench behind the ginger one (or should I say, the gingerest one), who promptly turned round and gave me the evils for 'sharing' his bench.  I duly stared him out - f**k that, I thought, you're only 6 and I am 41 - a grown up!!!  So I held his gaze, and then he either gave up or got bored and spotted a new target, so I won - yippee!!  You see, I am grown up.  Anyway, got the hell out of there as fast as I could, and on my way through reception, all of a sudden, a wheeled chair came zooming out of one of the rooms the staff use, complete with a member of staff on it.  I think they were having a competition to see who could get in and out of the door on the chair fast enough.  Honestly, I thought, there's only me that tries to act even half my age.  Not that I'm jealous at all, you see ..........

Saturday, 12 February 2011


It seems the laydees are developing a new way of opening up hostilities in the changing rooms.  The trick is to keep the locker doors open so they can either smack you in the face, or you have to do the limbo if you want to get past.  It's fabulous, really.  The number of ways that people can p**s you clean off, pretend it's all your fault that they have no manners, whilst all the while treating you like s**t without actually uttering a spoken word so they don't get themselves into a corner.  F*****g marvellous.  Wish I had the manners of pigs like this lot do.

Anyway, after managing to duck countless doors, I bravely fought my way out of the zoo enclosure and commenced my workout.  This time, I am pleased to say, I surpassed myself on the arm bike - I actually got up to 10 km (a personal best).  My bingo wings aren't disappearing any, but they must surely know by now that I don't want to see them as much as I used to.  Think I'm about to get the buggers on the run, though.

Whilst I was on the exercise bike (legs), I couldn't help but see through the window into the swimming pool.  There were two large, old gentlemen preening by the side of the pool, and at first glance, I thought I could see budgie smugglers, but upon closer inspection, the offending articles were no more than baggy shorts that were just the right size for them - just looked a little tight on their extra large bodies.  Mind you, I can't talk - can't even swim, so they were already a vast improvement on yours truly.  I tried to learn how to swim at school, but one day I nearly drowned, and the teacher did absolutely f**k all to help me, so I've got a bit of a phobia about that sort of thing now.  So, good luck to anyone that can swim, say I.

It's funny actually, because when me and my brothers and sisters were young, we used to go to the seaside for holidays, and there is video footage of my brother coming out of the sea, and it looks like his trunks are about to slide down, and there's a hilarious bit of film where he's trying to pull them up, just as a big wave comes crashing down on him from behind.  If he hadn't have hoiked them up at that particular time, he would have lost them for good - they'd have reappeared next to a rusty old bike that was so prevalent on northern beaches in the seventies.  God bless Blighty - it never fails to raise a smile!!!!!

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

I wasn't playing with myself just for the sheer hell of it, you know!!

Went to the gym yesterday, and was determined not to look at anyone's intimate bits, if you catch my drift. However, upon entering the changing rooms to dump my bag and change into my trainers, I got met with not one, but two arses mooning at me in the face!!  Couldn't honestly believe my good intentions hadn't just been ruined, so much as absolutely smashed into a million pieces.  Mind you, I couldn't help but think that you could have parked a bike in one of them, without spilling a drop of coffee.  Jesus, it was big.

After fervently trying not to look anymore, I scuttled off to the exercise machines in double quick time.  Got on the exercise bike, started the programme up, and settled into the seat, but then had to get off it pretty sharpish - bit of an underwear emergency.  In other words, I'd given myself a bike wedgie, which needed immediate remedial action.  My underwear had somehow twisted itself round a bit, so that when I sat down, it was in danger of cutting off my circulation.  I got off and tried to rearrange myself discreetly, except you can't actually be discreet when you've got your hands down your trousers, fiddling with your underwear, trying to free your wedgie, can you?

I got back on the bike, started again, to find I'd still not mended the problem, and so had to get off again.  This I did, and carried out the same trouble-shooting procedure, still trying to maintain my composure, but inwardly screaming with the pain.  Think I got it that time, sat back down on the bike and started again.  Oh joy - that sorted it, and I started my exercise in earnest.  After 30 seconds or so, I turned round, sure I could feel someone's eyes on me, and lo and behold, there was a youngish man on one of the bikes behind me, chuckling away, looking straight at me.  F**k me, I thought - I can't remember if he was there before I corrected my underwear malfunction or not, but judging by his reaction towards me, I'd say he was and had witnessed the whole debacle.  B******s, s**t, f**k and w**k - how terribly uncool of me.  Mind you, at least I was wearing some!!

A bit later, once I'd shrugged off the embarrassment, all of a sudden an oldish man popped up with one of the members of staff, and got all excited about explaining something about the arm bike to him.  He seemed to get carried away, and grabbed hold of the bike and started shaking it, so it wobbled about.  It turned out he was complaining to the staff member about loose nuts and screws on the bike.  It turned out to be complete b******s, however, because when I got on it, there was only one nut that needed tightening up, which I duly did, and then I started my workout.  I did notice, however, that he gave me an absolutely filthy look when I got off it and was making my way back to the changing rooms and passed him on the way.  Looks like it wasn't just the arm bike that had a few screws loose.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Clues as to the skeletal structure of the locals

Popped up at the gym on Saturday, buoyed up by the fact that I weighed myself and was delighted to find that I'd lost 2.5 lbs.  Whoopee, only another 4.5 stone to go!

Did my usual 30 minutes on the exercise bike - managed to do 11 km on effort level 2, which I was pleased with.  My stamina is building up now, or so it feels.  I know I'm not as far on as I would like, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right?

Got off the bike and wandered over to the arm bike and sat on it, to find that I was a lot further down than I normally am - put it this way, I nearly banged my chin on the crossbars (not good, and it's never happened before.  No, I wasn't p****d either).  I also couldn't reach enough to do a full rotation with the arm pedals, also not good for my particular purpose.  Taking all these factors into account, I decided that someone else had been on the bike before me (no sh*t, Sherlock, I hear you cry), and had altered all the settings.  I tried to adjust the seat, failed miserably.  I then tried to adjust the arm pedals, but my underdeveloped girlie muscles gave up on me, and in the end, I decided that it wasn't worth my while to carry on using this particular machine until I had completed a pretty intensive weight lifting course, which, given that I haven't enrolled on one, would ultimately prove fruitless to my immediate circumstances.

Taking all things into account, I decided to swap machines, so I went onto the other arm bike, which at first glance, seemed to suit my immediate requirements - seat at optimum height, arm pedals set at the right distance.  I sat down and programmed the settings, and began.  However, being the bright bunny that I pride myself on being, I noticed that one arm seemed to be stretching more than the other.  Hmm, I thought - this ain't right.  Let's problem-solve.

Upon checking the arm pedal settings, it became obvious that each arm had been set to a different length.  The left had been set to distance 3, whilst the right one had been set to distance 1 (my normal setting).  How bizarre, but, given that I live where I live, perhaps not entirely unexpected.  I tell you, the things I see round the market town just doesn't surprise me anymore.  I'd love to tell you the name of the place, but it's like Dragnet - names have been changed to protect the guilty.  The amount of times I've seen people staggering around with long arms, short legs and no brain is absolutely legendary.  It puts Twycross Zoo to shame some days.  Amateurs.

Problems rectified, I carried on with my exercise, and decided to push myself further this time, and managed to achieve 7km with a combination of effort levels 1 and 2.  My bingo wings haven't actually diminished, but perhaps one day they will.  I am, however, secure in the knowledge that both of my arms are the same length, which obviously can't be said for all of the locals, can it?!

Calling all Red Dwarf fans - GELF spotted in local gym

Had a nasty turn last week when I was gymming - it threatened to undo all my good work to date.

I'd been working out in my usual manner (badly), and I went back into the changing rooms and was confronted with a very very ugly sight.  There was a totally naked, somewhat overweight, buddha-type woman standing in the middle of the changing rooms.  I am beginning to get used to the sights I see, but I will never ever like it, especially this one.  God bless her, she was absolutely covered in moles, warts, freckles and spots - no offence, but only a mother could love that.  Absolutely terrible - I did a bit of sick in my mouth and had to shoot off to the toilets so I didn't add vomit to her list of attributes.

I'm sorry to say that my stomach turned over and I felt so physically sick and unwell.  Surely this lady isn't human - anyone who is a fan of Red Dwarf should remember the episode where a pleasure GELF manages to get on board the ship, and changes into each of the crews' fantasy partner, and one of the incarnations is a green pile of blubbery slime with its' neck sticking out of the mass, and just the one eye to look around.  Well, that's what this creature at the gym reminded me of - only Kryten could fall in love with that.  I know I certainly didn't.

On a later visit during the week, I again had the misfortune to have a close-up view of a lady's love tunnel as she bent over to take her underwear off.  Unfortunately (for me), she only had a tiny towel to cover her modesty (which didn't) - I tell you, if I wanted to look at fannies and the more intricate workings of the female reproductive system, I would have trained to become a gynaecologist.  I didn't want to, so my life has gone in a different direction, which I'm actually quite happy about.  It's gruesome down there, and other people's don't look much better from where I'm standing!!!!

Please people, cover yourselves up - you're not at home, and it's just not pretty in public.  Just don't do it, OK?

Working my nuts off

Went to the gym during last week - had to, really.  The diet's not going too well!!  Didn't realise that nuts weren't actually that good for you in large quantities.  Got a bit confused, then got carried away with the healthy snacks - I thought that you could eat as much as you wanted if the stuff was healthy.  How wrong was I?  I had a bag of cashew nuts, then my partner told me that they were so high in fat that I'd done myself no favours whatsoever.  Bollocks.  Anyway, off I went .....

Spotted a strange man immediately, standing by the windows overlooking the swimming pool.  I wouldn't normally take much notice, except that he was rubbing his nipples and rolling his tongue around his lips and making love-grunt noises, which I find hard to believe in a public place, and with so many children present, but hey, that's just me.  This carried on for a few minutes, and then he turned round and clocked the look on my face, then just strolled off as though nothing had happened.  I like to think he knew the people in the pool, and was trying to make them laugh, however .... you decide.

Did 11.5km on the exercise bike on effort level 2 (pretty cool of me, I think), and then surpassed myself on the arm bike - I did 5km on effort level 1 and 2 combined (my girlie arms can't do effort level 2 for too long, but God loves a trier).  I then went on the treadmill for 10 minutes to loosen my bad foot up, then got a new lease of life, and practically skipped back to the changing rooms feeling very very pleased with myself.  Not as tired as I thought I would be - that would be the nut effect, methinks!!

Got back into the changing rooms, to be met with a bit of a sight - water on the floor and on the benches, so nowhere to sit while I got changed out of my sweaty togs, or to change my trainers.  Not because of any flood, you understand - just the fact that people who go into the swimming pool and/or have showers there can't seem to dry themselves off before they go back into the changing area, or else they're sweating even more than me (unlikely!).  Anyway, when it gets to that stage, it's pretty disgusting, and you're not sure if you're sitting in water or wee, do you?  I decided to play safe and go into one of the toilets to change (thought it would be safer and probably more hygienic in the end).  Not so.  Someone had obviously hit on that notion before me - the toilets were worse than the benches in the changing area - water even in the lavatory cubicle, which was filthy, because people had gone in there in their trainers and the dirt from them had mingled with the water, to produce mucky water (yum, my favourite), and again, hadn't bothered to clean up after themselves.

Oh, to top all that off, there was a puddle of yellow wee-like liquid on the floor outside of the cubicles.  I didn't want to examine it too closely, in case someone had done the dirty deed in public (you know what these naturists are like), so I just scuttled into the cleanest lavatory cubicle and got changed asap, as safely and hygienically as I could.  No easy task.  On the way out of the bogs, I noticed a young boy wandering about with a small bottle of apple juice, which may explain the yellow puddle.  Either that, or it was wee, as I suspected, and he was merely gathering a sample for the doctor - who knows?

Was quite relieved to leave the premises after all that, but as I was walking across the car park to meet my partner (lovely chauffeur chappie - be lost without his driving skills), there was a man standing in the window perving on a woman with 3 kids, eyeing up her backside, and she was completely oblivious to it.  My partner spotted him straight away and eyeballed him.  Suddenly the man looked straight at my chap, saw that he had witnessed this interchange, then walked away.  I'm not sure whether to be upset or relieved, 'cos no one does that to me.....