Monday, 9 May 2011

Broke a machine, then tried the others

Two weeks ago, I managed to break the exercise bike.  But, to be fair, I've noticed springs and bits of machines spread across the floor for weeks (wasn't me), so I don't feel particularly guilty.

This particular instance, I was on my favourite exercise bike, and was pedalling away quite happily, listening to my MP3 player and watching "Shaun the Sheep" on the TV.  God, I love that programme.  All of a sudden, the machine went 'bang' and then the lights went out on it, and I had to stop because I'd lost my power (my oomph, you know?)  Or perhaps it's 'get up and go' had 'got up and gone' (know that feeling very well).  It turned out that the heart monitor/cardiovascular device wire had got caught round the pedals and I'd carried on cycling when clearly I shouldn't have.  Bugger.  Mind you, it's been fixed again now, and I can't see any loose springs rolling about on the floor anymore, so maybe that work experience guy got more experience than he bargained for after all.

Well anyway, after my cycling got cut short, I decided to go on the other type of leg bike - it doesn't have a backrest, which I thought I'd be ok with, but I couldn't even get on the bike - far too high for my dwarfish frame.  So I had to give it a miss.  B******s, being discriminated against by a bike, now.  What's the world coming to?

After I gave up with that particular fight, I went to the back of the gym to see if the cross-trainers on the back row had been switched on today (they hadn't).  Swore loudly, then went on the treadmill for 20 minutes, then went on the rowing machine.  Jesus, that is such hard work - I try to pace myself, but I'm still knackered after 90 seconds.  It's uncomfortable to get your feet into, much less row the f*****g thing as well.  It's like that joke about the woman who's trying to conceive and goes to the doctor about her concerns.  The doctor runs through the checklist and asks the woman if she's looking after herself, taking rest, eating good food, etc, then finally, exasperated with not being able to pinpoint the problem, asks her if she's having sex.  "Give me a break,"she says,"I can't be expected to remember everything!"  Well, that's how I feel about the rowing machine.  The footholders are too high for me - I can't reach the rowing bar, because my fat just won't let me, then I get out of breath too quickly, there's no backrest (an absolute must-have) and I feel f*****g uncomfortable all the time I'm doing it (rowing).  It's a real s**t form of exercise, and next time I think I'll give it a miss and go back on the exercise bike and hope I don't get the lead caught up in the pedal again.

Turn all the machines on, yeah?

Got a bit adventurous last week, peeps - I decided to go on the cross-trainer and start to try to get rid of my belly overhang.  It looks horrible.  My feet are tired of living in the dark, so it's time I brought them back into the light and let them grow naturally.  Or so I hoped ....

The cross-trainers at the back of the gym have arm bits that move, whereas the cross-trainers in the middle of the floor only have the feet bits that move.  Henceforth, I decided, in my infinite wisdom, that the ones at the back were for me.  Except none of them were turned on.  I've noticed this for the last 3 weeks or so, all of a sudden, the gym has gone on cost-cutting measures, which include the machines on the back row.  If I could pin down a member of staff, I'd ask them why this phenomenon is occurring, except they all avoid me like the plague.  Perhaps it could be because I've complained about the service I get, )or maybe they read this blog - oh sh*t).

Anyway, after much swearing, I went on the ones where the arms don't move, and got a bit of a shock at how hard it is.  I started off quite well, then got really knackered and had to put the machine back down to effort level one, and still felt like death when I got off it.  I lasted 15 minutes, but it was a close-run thing.  Tired out bird - fell into a coma when I got home, and I think I'm only just coming out of it now.  Never mind, there's always tomorrow ......!!!!!!

I used to be keen, until the world crushed my spirit (Homer J Simpson)

This was a good few weeks ago, I'm afraid.  On one of my visits to the gym, I was greeted by a work experience chap - very very sweet, enthusiastic and eager to please.  Knew straight away he was new - cynical sod that I am.  You just know with some people though, don't you?  I do, anyway.

He was very polite, very efficient and was zooming around the gym like an excited puppy.  All in all, he was there for about 2 or 3 weeks, and in all that time, the staff gave him all the sh*tty jobs to do, like cleaning the tables in the cafe, sweeping the floors and having to wipe down all the machines.  What complete b******s, like I ever see them doing that.  What on earth is that teaching someone about how the place runs and what it takes to manage the staff, etc.  He was genuinely interested in the company, and that's the best experience they could give him?  What crap.

I wonder if he'll come back and get a full time job there - chances of that are slim, I think.

Oops - has it really been that long? Sorry xxx

Sorry I've not blogged for a while - lots of challenges.  Been poorly, then a bit more poorly, then slightly less poorly, then absolutely knackered.  Still, I've managed to get to the gym, but just not as often as I would like.  Mind you, last week when I went, I got a lovely eyeful of one bloke doing something he probably wishes no one else had seen.  Let me explain ....

I was on the treadmill, and happened to glance over at the meathead's corner (or the part where all the muscly male bodybuilders all congregate to flex their muscles and pull on bits of wire with really heavy weights attached - very odd).  There's a mirror that goes the whole length of the wall, presumably so they can admire themselves in their various bodybuilding poses and think to themselves what very fine, sexy young men they are, with wonderful physiques.  Pity there's not one nearer me, but anyway, I digress.

I was trying to speed up a bit on the treadmill before the old leg burn kicked in, and something caught my eye, so I turned to look towards steroid corner, and I was just in time to see a gentleman pull on this bit of wire with his left arm, whilst simultaneously scratching his butt with his right arm.  Completely nonchalant, and blissfully unaware that everyone on the treadmills, bicycles and cross-trainers had a wonderful view.  Marvellous.  I wouldn't mind, but it was obviously a bit of a stubborn wedgie, so he had to go back for a further rummage about, which thrilled his audience.  Nice move, mate, but I don't think the ladies will go for it in a big way - nobody likes a man with crabs (or worse) - not a good mating signal, is it?  Mind you, he had excellent co-ordination.  If I'd have done that, I'd have had to stop the machine first, 'cos there's no way I could have kept my balance!!!!!  Made a right pratt of myself, no doubt.  Full marks for style, anyway, if not creative content.