Went to the gym yesterday, and was determined not to look at anyone's intimate bits, if you catch my drift. However, upon entering the changing rooms to dump my bag and change into my trainers, I got met with not one, but two arses mooning at me in the face!! Couldn't honestly believe my good intentions hadn't just been ruined, so much as absolutely smashed into a million pieces. Mind you, I couldn't help but think that you could have parked a bike in one of them, without spilling a drop of coffee. Jesus, it was big.
After fervently trying not to look anymore, I scuttled off to the exercise machines in double quick time. Got on the exercise bike, started the programme up, and settled into the seat, but then had to get off it pretty sharpish - bit of an underwear emergency. In other words, I'd given myself a bike wedgie, which needed immediate remedial action. My underwear had somehow twisted itself round a bit, so that when I sat down, it was in danger of cutting off my circulation. I got off and tried to rearrange myself discreetly, except you can't actually be discreet when you've got your hands down your trousers, fiddling with your underwear, trying to free your wedgie, can you?
I got back on the bike, started again, to find I'd still not mended the problem, and so had to get off again. This I did, and carried out the same trouble-shooting procedure, still trying to maintain my composure, but inwardly screaming with the pain. Think I got it that time, sat back down on the bike and started again. Oh joy - that sorted it, and I started my exercise in earnest. After 30 seconds or so, I turned round, sure I could feel someone's eyes on me, and lo and behold, there was a youngish man on one of the bikes behind me, chuckling away, looking straight at me. F**k me, I thought - I can't remember if he was there before I corrected my underwear malfunction or not, but judging by his reaction towards me, I'd say he was and had witnessed the whole debacle. B******s, s**t, f**k and w**k - how terribly uncool of me. Mind you, at least I was wearing some!!
A bit later, once I'd shrugged off the embarrassment, all of a sudden an oldish man popped up with one of the members of staff, and got all excited about explaining something about the arm bike to him. He seemed to get carried away, and grabbed hold of the bike and started shaking it, so it wobbled about. It turned out he was complaining to the staff member about loose nuts and screws on the bike. It turned out to be complete b******s, however, because when I got on it, there was only one nut that needed tightening up, which I duly did, and then I started my workout. I did notice, however, that he gave me an absolutely filthy look when I got off it and was making my way back to the changing rooms and passed him on the way. Looks like it wasn't just the arm bike that had a few screws loose.